it could only happen to me...

Had a great beginning to the week when an actor friend came over to watch himself on a daytime soap.  Mum edits showreels so I knew she'd want to sit there talking about which scenes would look best on a reel while we helped ourselves to nibbles and wine.  It was a jolly afternoon and I've set up another for when he's in the next Netflix blockbuster.  Nothing like watching a performer watch themselves on the screen.

Loving the on and off sunshine we've been getting... Not.  On the days when the sun DOES come out and it coincides with a leisure day I insist on finding a sunny spot and topping up my glow.  My skin tone really does love to be sunkissed.  When a friend suggested popping to hers for an afternoon of sunbathing I agreed immediately. I heard that her boyfriend would be collecting me from home so I was pleased.  I should have known that nothing is that simple.  When the car arrived my friend was in it, too and I got in all eager to sample the afternoon heat.  But not in the way that it transpired.

We just had a little errand to run beforehand.  But t it wasn't an errand at all.  It was 'covert surveillance' of one of his employees as he suspected him of stealing.  So we were meant to sit quietly in the car giving him less of a weird vibe as he sat under a tree watching the house of the employee.  He'd told us that the guy was meant to be at work so we shouldn't see him at all.   So we sat.  And sat.  I was hoping that we wouldn't miss the sunshine.  

He rolled up outside and so we sat alert, deeply focused on the house.  He reached into his boot and took out a carrier bag (of what, we couldn't see) and went inside.  'Got him' we thought.  Suddenly we all had our concentration broken by a woman who'd driven directly into both our passenger side doors, crushing them inwards.  Before we could even react, she reversed and sped away without one of us being able to get her registration plate.  My friend was yelling in pain, so we called an ambulance quickly.  Luckily, she had just jerked her head sideways on impact but there was no lasting damage.  We had no information to give the police, other than we were randomly parked and hadn't been paying much attention to who was speeding towards us.   Worse, almost, was the employee came out of his house at all the fuss and wondered why we were in his road.  It gave him plenty of time to come up with a possibly alibi for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and a backstory about what was in the bag.  We'd achieved nothing!  So much for being covert.

We drove back in the crumpled-sided car and walked somberly to the garden. To liven up the situation I suggested we christen their newly bought barbecue, but they didn't seem keen.   I thought it would be just the thing to put the unsettling events behind us.  Eventually they agreed and began building up the base of the barbecue with screwed up paper and pieces of kindling.  No-one felt like driving back to the petrol station and getting any briquettes or firelighters.  My friend produced a lighter and bent over the barbecue to light it.   At this point, I must add 'do not try this at home'.   If you have a barbecue, buy all the bits and pieces that go with it at the same time.  Don't use what you have to get it going.  

The lighter was one of those disposable ones.  They're cheap and they're not safe. the button jammed, the lighter fluid dripped out of the side and onto the paper and kindling pile.  The lighter got very hot. My friend did what she thought was a wise thing to do with something that was hot.  She dropped it pretty quickly whereupon it exploded.  When something filled with accelerant explodes, I suggest you use a small fire extinguisher to put out any fire.   Don't do as I do which was to cover the area with a handy small trampoline.  This will not kill the oxygen to the fire, it will just encourage the flames to engulf the canvas of the trampoline and anything else near enough to get hot.  So that's a burned trampoline and a child's bike which had the misfortune to be in range of the blaze.  I started to wish I hadn't pressed them into having a barbecue.

Fires all put out and the correct firelighters now obtained, we decided to have another go at a garden feast.  A phone call caused my friend's boyfriend to be distracted, and yes, you've guessed it, the food burned while he claimed to be in control of it.  

I lay on her recliner for a while, exhausted.  There wasn't much of an edible feast left and I'd got a lot hotter than I'd intended during the afternoon.  I jumped up and heard a sickening splitting sound.  The entire fabric of the recliner had split into two pieces.  I know I'm a plus sized model, but I don't think that part was anything to do with me, and more to do with leaving garden furniture exposed to the elements.  It was leering at me when I'd got up.

Onwards and upwards, as they say...